Two Heroes of Martin's Late Childhood Crushed Under Boot of Almost Totally Unfair Drug War

MUSIC +++ FILM +++ SPORT +++ PHOTO +++ LINK +++ POORLY REASONED POLITICAL OPINION AND STUPID JOKE

CLTR
I'll try not to let it affect my writing, but I'll tell you... I'm very sad today.

This whole week, in fact. Two of my longtime idols are, it turns out -- brace yourself -- cocaine users.

As much as I'd like to believe their respective busts resulted from plants, conspiracies, parallel universe phenomena -- how can such earthy people have such complex problems? -- both have a history, and I think it's time to face up.

Kate Moss and Boy George, we hardly knew ye.

SPRT
My friend Ellie El has an interesting theory on 49ers Head Coach Mike Nolan, who jeapordized his 100% perfect track record with two questionable moves this week. First, Nolan got speedy linebacker Jamie Winborn all packed up with no place to go, finally unloading him to Jacksonville yesterday for an undisclosed draft pick. Circumstances are murky, so this one's hard to judge. Okay, file it under "Fool Me Once..." and give Nolan the benefit of the doubt.

After all, Nolan easily overcame his rookie status and displayed the perfect poker face throughout the draft pick hype; he drafted offensive linemen early and often to protect new golden boy Alex Smith; he brought on the unassailable Mike Singletary as his Assitant Head Coach, rekindling Niner fan dreams of comic book antihero Ronnie Lott; he showed Smith his confidence in him by annointing him the starter in training camp, then protected him by delicately removing him for the mediocre veteran when it was clear Smith wasn't ready; he swore by the ancient running-and-defense formula, even though it was clear the Niners had neither; and he rallied his players by insisting their goal was to finish in first.

So we'll spot Nolan a Mulligan for whatever it is that happened with Winborn (he insists the move was the result of a numbers game, and not any disciplinary issue.) But after Tim Rattay overcame his gutsy nature to unleash his true genius -- namely, playing a deeply forgettable brand of quarterback reminiscent of Ken Dorsey and an awful lot of other modern-day red jerseys -- Nolan has again named Smith the starter.

What's questionable about this one is: against the Colts? The Colts, for one thing, are 4-0, compared to the Niners' 1-3. The Colts feature a vastly improved defense under Head Coach Tony Dungy, featuring right end Dwight Freeney, the NFL sack leader over the past several years. Oh, and the Niners are badly banged up -- to a comical degree in the defensive secondary, yes, but also at several positions key to the 21-year-old Smith's sucecss: number one wideout Arnaz Battle is likely unavailable with a hamstring pull, and prize free agent aqcuisition Jonas Jennings, their left tackle -- and as such, the guy assigned to protect his quarterback's backside, literally -- not to mention the man matched up directly against Freeney -- is out for at least the time being with a torn labrum. (Of course, I'VE got a torn labrum, and you don't see ME complaining about it. It really hurts when I type, though: a lot. I'm in a lot of pain here, people. Doing my best, here.)

Ellie El's thinking, perhaps rightfully, is this: Smith knows he's a target; the whole world knows it. Against Indy, the key is, in a word: low expectations. With a bye week coming up, Smith can enjoy two weeks of ego-soothing recovery time, rather than two weeks of hype and nerves. For that matter, he'll likely benefit from something that happened last week: being down by enough points in the second half to enjoy low-pressure short pass situations, giving him at least a small cushion from the blitz -- which the Colts don't use much anyway -- and probably a measure of success to buoy his spirits.

One thing, at present unrelated to the Smith story: this defense will soon be very, very good. Look at what they've done so far: Rattay and company can barely manage a first down -- the Niners score more on defense and special teams than when the offense is in charge. Thus the D has spent an insane amount of minutes cracking heads on the field; last week (on national TV) the announcers joked continually that the offense's best contribution was committing enough penalties to give their defense a little extra sideline time.

Anyone remember that horrible playoff game in Atlanta in '98, when Garrison Hearst broke his leg on the first drive, and the defense was so banged up that Bryant Young played end? Yes, the game was a demoralizing loss, but, at least partly freed from the bonds of run-stopping duties and double-teams, Young was a terror. Now, with fire hydrant impressionist Anthony Adams and Isaac Sopoaga, the Samoan Saab, emerging at nose tackle, the Niners' only remaining Super Bowl winner is yet again showing what he means to his team, not to mention leading the league in sacks.

So, despite questions centering mostly on the running game -- and speaking of the O-line, where the heck is 2005 draftee David Baas? -- what the heck, I'll take the Niners and the points.

Lots and lots of points.

POL
So, that's good. We finally have confirmation. We're in Afghanistan and Iraq because God told former and current alcoholic George W. Bush to put us there.

According to Nabil Shaath, who was the Palestinian foreign minister at the time, and Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas, who backs up Shaath's story, "President Bush said to all of us: 'I'm driven with a mission from God.'

'God would tell me, "George, go and fight those terrorists in Afghanistan." And I did, and then God would tell me, "George, go and end the tyranny in Iraq ..." And I did. And now, again, I feel God's words coming to me...'"

Reports that God has, in fact, told Bush that he "may need a bathroom break??" have not been confirmed.

SPRT
Tell me I'm wrong:

With the possible exception of Bob Gibson, John Smoltz is the best money pitcher of all time.

SPRT
One more comment on the Niners. Remember when Tim Rattay, drafted late, hung around long enough to get kudos for his, uh, steady play, eventually making it all the way to starter? Well, Cody Pickett's done the same thing.

Only Pickett's been praised for more than just consistency, including what's supposed to be a laser arm. And while Rattay pulled his "I'm not dead yet!" act for what seemed like ages, Pickett was drafted just a year ago. Plus, Rattay was never asked to play wide receiver, special teams, and even free safety in practices -- Pickett has done all of these, and seems to enjoy it.

Says here Smith, after the years and years, oh, and years, of development required of NFL QB's, turns into a solid player, high on mobility and respected for his leadership qualities. But I bet Pickett makes it, too, maybe to be a better than average starter somewhere.

Too bad you have to turn 30 (except under the "Manning Exemption") before they give you your key to the Quarterbacks Club.

MR

QWTOFDY
"We're on a mission from Gahd."
-Elwood Blues