How Do You Spell "Was Very Important Man In Charge Of Things?"

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KATR
Keep in mind, it's a loaded question. Keep in mind, we're upside down, hanging from our toenails, snot dribbling backwards up our septums and seeping into our frontal lobes.

"What does it take to be FEMA chief?" FEMA stands for Federal Department of Responding to Emergencies and Hurricanes. It's staffed by the Department of Homeland Security, which stands for reading your mail, and which is staffed, in turn, by a conglomorate created as a last gasp by ENRON and Halliburton executives: namely, the Bush-Cheney administration.

So, as you try to snort the snot back into your nasal cavity, ask yourself first: "What does it take to be UN Ambassador?" We know the answer to that one. Confirming John Bolton in that position is like bringing in a Holocaust denier to head your Jewish Studies department.

"What does it take to be FEMA chief?" Well, it's no wonder he lied on his resume. (That's right, the White House press site describes the man in question, Michael Brown, as "overseeing emergency services divisions" in bustling Edmond, OK in the '70s "as an assistant city manager with emergency services oversight." In fact, the man was an assistant TO the city manager -- also known as a secretary -- with no oversight or supervisory privileges of any kind.)

"What does it take to be FEMA chief?" Your job is mainly to, how to phrase this exactly? RESCUE PEOPLE FROM EMERGENCIES. Or, as some people (like Brown himself) interpret it, you're to wait around for five hours, then shoot off a memo reminding coworkers to spin a "positive image" of your response.

So what does it take to be FEMA chief? You have to be run out of your last job, your resignation demanded after a spate of litigation and financial descrepancies.

Oh, and what must your last job have been? To be FEMA chief, your last job must have been Judges and Stewards Commissioner for the International Arabian Horses Association.

International... Arabian... Horses... Ass... ociation.

Tune in again next week for: "What does it take to be President of the United States of America?"

MR

QWTOFDY
"You are like a hurricane --
There's calm in your eye --
And I'm getting blown away..."
-Neil Young