Thumpy? Thump My Pornoburger, Baby!

MUSIC +++ FILM +++ SPORT +++ PHOTO +++ LINK +++ POORLY REASONED POLITICAL OPINION AND STUPID JOKE

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Paris Soaps Self, Slithers Down Bentley, Sops Slimy Burger

Now, this is tv! Naturally, my first thought as a self-righteous, "Not All Who Wander Are Lost" liberal heathen is to condemn the Parents Television Council for trying to de-air the spot because -- their reasoning -- as a commercial, it could be on at any time, and thus they simply can't control it, or control their kids, or control their co-workers, or their neighbors, or the greater Fort Lauderdale area, or the world.

But there's another level here. Look a little closer at what that devious yellow star is doing. He's taking that big political cartoon elephant with his cartoon bible and pulpit, and sticking a big, metaphorical thumb up its pachyderm ass.

Did you see their previous ad? I didn't think about this myself until a right-leaning site linked it to a story on the current one. That ad features the talking ultrasound of an unborn baby, in the womb, threatening its mother with physical violence. Can I just say:

YESSSSS!!!!

We have liftoff! This is what television needs more of. Outright provocation of people who can't quite catch up with the times quick enough to stop it. It's like the THG of entertainment! And certainly they can't resist. (What, and not watch tv? And don't knock my soapbox, I've gone without plenty, thanks. You feel better for it; it's like cutting your consumption of cigarettes, or TenderNob hookers.)

Yes, it would seem that Carl's kid, whomever he may be, is deliberately sticking it to a demographic that largely controls the current paradigm of information dissemination. Hitting them where they live.

Does this remind you at all of the Bible-thumpers -- many of them black -- who shook their heads in the mid-1900's and condemned patrons of jazz and blues to the eternal fires of hell for dancing to "the Devil's music?" The Carl's Jr story's most widely-printed quote is from PTC research director Melissa Caldwell, who gasps, "The way [Paris] moves, the way she puts her finger in her mouth -- it's very suggestive and very titillating."

Excellent. Excellent!!! It's the dark side of the force, you stiff-necked pencil-nibblers. I would love to point out here: the word "suggestive" is not really a negative word, but usually, as in this case, just a euphamism for something stronger. "Titillating," however, means so much more. To gauge exactly how the ad made this woman feel, I looked up "titillate" in the American Heritage dictionary.

It means "to excite pleasurably; [to] arouse." Sweet! She dug it.

Like the We'll Make You Stop Being Gay Camp founder leaving his wife for a man. Like Brett Butler leaving the Giants for the Dodgers. That dirty traitor. Probably took it up the ass from Hershiser right there in the clubhouse. (I'm not saying it's bad to be a homosexual; I'm saying that that behavior's unsanitary so close to the postgame spread.)

The beauty of all this moralmongering? Carl and his people have organized it so that Caldwell and company are, in the Quixoteist sense, tilting at windmills. They are railing against something that doesn't exist. Paris Hilton eat a big, sloppy burger? She wouldn't be caught dead. Despite the ad's obvious intentions, sexy image and drippy burger are polar opposites to its feature performer. If I'm a high school English teacher -- and I'm not saying I'm not, so run and hide the kiddies! -- I'm airing this in class as a clear, effective example of irony.

I pronounce myself twice delighted that the entire freak show is available online, at http://www.carlsjr.com, complete with sixty second "uncut," unaired version of the Hilton spot. And you know? With all the rageaholic unborn babies and anorexic, bikinied burger-slurpers, one fact remains: the one with the chick on the mechanical bull has 'em all beat.

MR

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"Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."
-Amelia Earhart