As Dingo's Identical Twin Sister Zoot Put It: Oh, Shit.

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SPRT/POL

You've done it. You, John McCain, you, those stupid idiots in Congress* (*any resemblence to any actual Congress, real or imagined, is purely coincidental) you, Mark McGwire, Bill Romanowski, Jose Canseco -- even you, Ken Caminiti, suddenly the most blameless of all.

You've made me write about steroids, AGAIN.

I hate this stuff. Hate thinking about it. We all do. I'll keep it as brief as I can.

First, I've coached and played sports, baseball specifically, at an ametuer and, I'd say, quasi-professional level. (Not just "semi-pro," but not American professional, either.) I know a couple of pro ballplayers. But other than that, I'm no more qualified to hurl accusations or grandstand than anyone else.

Anyone like, for instance, Sen. Albie A. Blowhard, R-KAN, whose idea it was to take a committee that, as Bill Maher points out, has the unilateral privilege to investigate ANYTHING -- election fraud, WMD, national energy policy and its genesis and contributors -- and they've chosen to use this unmitigated power to sit on their little bench, chow on Polish dogs and slurp lite beer, and sanctimoan over their tainted heroes.

At least Ken Starr chose blowjobs.

Yeah, McGwire, more than likely Bonds, certainly Canseco, and a number of nameless Rodinesque silhouettes, are wrong, out of line, the rest of it. And seeing Bud Selig get his ass handed to him on a tray for being the cheap sideshow shill he is (only to be instantly upstaged by Big Mac's "I didn't inhale" tap dance) seemed, for a moment, worth it.

But how is this Congress's business? Okay, revoke baseball's anti-trust status (for other reasons,) which was administered in the first half of the last century because, purportedly, the entire sport/business would go under without it, which is the only reason it's supposed to be granted anyway. I don't know what the hell anti-trust is, except that it allows everyone to act like idiots in a more legal sense, and that MLB hasn't needed it since Mark Fydrich wore short pants.

But Congess, regulate steroids? A prime tragedy here is that McCain, whose moral crusading is frequently a welcome break from the partisan same-old, is so far off base here. In the last month alone, I've hopped on a bus without fare, cheated a little on taxes, and jaywalked. Now I have to look over my shoulder -- more than usual -- for lurking Republicans.

TMOUT

And don't even get me started on Tom DeLay. If you support Tom DeLay -- and somebody must be -- you are either a complete rube or completely amoral. Two choices only.

TMIN

Last thing, and I'm surprised I didn't have to get into this before.

Todd Helton, the Colorodo Rockies' hyper-talented (remember him as Tennessee's starting QB? His backup was Peyton Manning) hyper-sensitive first baseman, is considering reaching across dozens of tax brackets and suing Wayne Hagin, the team's former announcer. But this isn't as stupid as I'm making it sound -- or rather, as Hagin has made himself sound.

Hagin, speaking on a talk radio show, confided, with all due alligator tears, that Don Baylor, Helton's first major league manager, had told him that Helton had been "juicing." What a shame, it was hurting his game, he didn't need it, yadda yadda.

Except, although Hagin may have forgotten, Baylor was talking about Creatine, not juice.

Does anyone know what Creatine is? I'm sick and tired of it being lumped in with steroids. It's much like marajuana being equated with crack cocaine.

Creatine is whey. As in, curds and whey. Miss Muffit was on it. So are you. It's basically crushed-up wheat germ. There's no scientific proof that it does anything for you at all, except dehydrate you, which makes you more succeptible to muscle pulls and strains, or drinking a ton of water and thus gaining bulk in "water-weight," or both. Advocates contend it gives you a burst for workouts -- something akin, and indeed quite similar, to a protein shake.

Hagin, obviously, and unfortunately for everyone involved, is a moron. Can you sue for moronity? Does it qualify for punitive damages? If so, I'm hopping the next free bus to the courthouse, and I'm bringing my tent and plenty of canned foods, 'cause it's gonna be a while.

Helton says Hagin's statement has thrown a major wrench into his whole life, and his family's lives. Fair enough. Helton's salary last year, incidently, was $11.6 million.

...I'm going to go smoke some nag champa and take a nap.

MR

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"The future will be better tomorrow."
-George W. Bush