How Baad Can One Pitcher Bee?

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SPRT

This one sparkles. In Tuscon today, the Rockies-Diamondbacks spring training baseball game was called after five innings on account of bee. Several, actually -- they literally swarmed the field. This was apparently brought on by the presence of pitcher Darren Oliver, who's somehow vultured an 87-79 career record despite an ERA well over 5.00. Apparently the bees were either attracted to the coconut oil in Oliver's hair gel -- as Oliver himself claims -- or are actually Colorado fans making a statement.

The bees were not available for post-game comment, as they were in flight to Tampa in pursuit of new Devil Rays outfielder Alex Sanchez.

POL
Grandstanding Ol' Pricks:

First steroids, now Terri Schiavo. Do you know this is literally the first time history's vacationingest President has cut short a holiday (either mental or physical) for ANY reason? Plus, as you news junkies already know, his current position cuts about 180 degrees from a law he enacted as Texas governor. Also: outside of Bud Selig (or The Emperor from Star Wars, I get them confused) is there anyone more sleazy-looking than Jeb Bush?

Now, under a supposedly conservative administration, what we've got is the biggest federal government in history, the highest federal deficit spending in history, and the Republican-controlled Congress stepping into our living rooms to legislate everything from our favorite sports (did you know the NFL considers marijuana a performance-enhancing drug? Do you?) to our spouses' last wishes, to whom you're allowed to partner up with in the first place.

The difference between Republicans and Democrats -- I point again to Mr. Tom Delay and his ilk, not to mention the deeply ironic, but not at all comical appointments of Paul Wolfowitz to lead the World Bank and John Bolton as our UN Ambassador -- seems to be that Republicans desperately crave what Democrats merely think they should have.

What it's certainly not: it's certainly not what we were taught in high school, namely that Republicans favor small government and fiscal conservatism.

My personal opinion recalls the "Why can't _______ get a date, he's such a nice guy?" theory: liberals are, by nature, much less likely to favor their own greed and ambition over others' basic needs and rights, and therefore start with a weaker chance of getting and holding power. With apologies to Sen. McCain, and perhaps Colon Powell, but certainly not his son... and precious few others.

MR

QWTOFDY
"Heaven for climate; hell for company."
-Mark Twain

As Dingo's Identical Twin Sister Zoot Put It: Oh, Shit.

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SPRT/POL

You've done it. You, John McCain, you, those stupid idiots in Congress* (*any resemblence to any actual Congress, real or imagined, is purely coincidental) you, Mark McGwire, Bill Romanowski, Jose Canseco -- even you, Ken Caminiti, suddenly the most blameless of all.

You've made me write about steroids, AGAIN.

I hate this stuff. Hate thinking about it. We all do. I'll keep it as brief as I can.

First, I've coached and played sports, baseball specifically, at an ametuer and, I'd say, quasi-professional level. (Not just "semi-pro," but not American professional, either.) I know a couple of pro ballplayers. But other than that, I'm no more qualified to hurl accusations or grandstand than anyone else.

Anyone like, for instance, Sen. Albie A. Blowhard, R-KAN, whose idea it was to take a committee that, as Bill Maher points out, has the unilateral privilege to investigate ANYTHING -- election fraud, WMD, national energy policy and its genesis and contributors -- and they've chosen to use this unmitigated power to sit on their little bench, chow on Polish dogs and slurp lite beer, and sanctimoan over their tainted heroes.

At least Ken Starr chose blowjobs.

Yeah, McGwire, more than likely Bonds, certainly Canseco, and a number of nameless Rodinesque silhouettes, are wrong, out of line, the rest of it. And seeing Bud Selig get his ass handed to him on a tray for being the cheap sideshow shill he is (only to be instantly upstaged by Big Mac's "I didn't inhale" tap dance) seemed, for a moment, worth it.

But how is this Congress's business? Okay, revoke baseball's anti-trust status (for other reasons,) which was administered in the first half of the last century because, purportedly, the entire sport/business would go under without it, which is the only reason it's supposed to be granted anyway. I don't know what the hell anti-trust is, except that it allows everyone to act like idiots in a more legal sense, and that MLB hasn't needed it since Mark Fydrich wore short pants.

But Congess, regulate steroids? A prime tragedy here is that McCain, whose moral crusading is frequently a welcome break from the partisan same-old, is so far off base here. In the last month alone, I've hopped on a bus without fare, cheated a little on taxes, and jaywalked. Now I have to look over my shoulder -- more than usual -- for lurking Republicans.

TMOUT

And don't even get me started on Tom DeLay. If you support Tom DeLay -- and somebody must be -- you are either a complete rube or completely amoral. Two choices only.

TMIN

Last thing, and I'm surprised I didn't have to get into this before.

Todd Helton, the Colorodo Rockies' hyper-talented (remember him as Tennessee's starting QB? His backup was Peyton Manning) hyper-sensitive first baseman, is considering reaching across dozens of tax brackets and suing Wayne Hagin, the team's former announcer. But this isn't as stupid as I'm making it sound -- or rather, as Hagin has made himself sound.

Hagin, speaking on a talk radio show, confided, with all due alligator tears, that Don Baylor, Helton's first major league manager, had told him that Helton had been "juicing." What a shame, it was hurting his game, he didn't need it, yadda yadda.

Except, although Hagin may have forgotten, Baylor was talking about Creatine, not juice.

Does anyone know what Creatine is? I'm sick and tired of it being lumped in with steroids. It's much like marajuana being equated with crack cocaine.

Creatine is whey. As in, curds and whey. Miss Muffit was on it. So are you. It's basically crushed-up wheat germ. There's no scientific proof that it does anything for you at all, except dehydrate you, which makes you more succeptible to muscle pulls and strains, or drinking a ton of water and thus gaining bulk in "water-weight," or both. Advocates contend it gives you a burst for workouts -- something akin, and indeed quite similar, to a protein shake.

Hagin, obviously, and unfortunately for everyone involved, is a moron. Can you sue for moronity? Does it qualify for punitive damages? If so, I'm hopping the next free bus to the courthouse, and I'm bringing my tent and plenty of canned foods, 'cause it's gonna be a while.

Helton says Hagin's statement has thrown a major wrench into his whole life, and his family's lives. Fair enough. Helton's salary last year, incidently, was $11.6 million.

...I'm going to go smoke some nag champa and take a nap.

MR

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"The future will be better tomorrow."
-George W. Bush