Frogs Equals French Equals Hate Our Freedoms

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POL
As I remember it, the first thing Clinton was asked to do as President was to sort out the gays in the military fiasco. That was a nice one, as fiascos go. I don't know what's worse, Liberace pledging the SEALS, or the SEALS being asked, nicely, to let him join up. The result recalls a line from a judge on Law & Order: "I know I'm right when nobody's happy."

Remember Bush's first move as President? He backed us out of the Kyoto Treaty. Reduces global warming, saves cute frogs? Not for me, Bub. I shoot cute frogs with my fully-legal semi-automatic.

So, now that the G8 conference in Somewhere, Not America is in the news (because there was a, what do you call it... U2 concert) Bush's stance on the treaty, though basically the same, is being aired as a news item four years later.

The mainstream news media scoop themselves once again; and by a wide margin.

We can call this progress: Bush has admitted that global warming exists. Which is good.

I don't mean global warming. That's not good. Global warming, it turns out, is bad.

(Although, have you heard this? Thanks to their government advertising heavily in its own financial interest, most Chinese citizens think smoking is good for their health. I'm serious. Although all things equal, I prefer the Irish "Guiness Is Good For You" campaign, for obvious reasons.)

President Yeehaw goes so far as to suggest that humans might play a role in the global warming trend. It's nice to know he's been following along.

The President even offered a solution: rather than buy into a treaty that might save the world but hurt the economy -- Bush would never do anything to hurt the economy -- he suggested governments be asked to enforce emissions scalebacks voluntarily.

I know we're going to be right on the forefront of this one.

Some might suggest that, as a Californian, I should know better. They might suggest that, hypothetically, the top-secret circle jerks between ENRON executives and the Dick Cheney Energy All-Stars might not have been in our best interests, given the blatant corruption and widespread blackouts in...

And the average Bush voter shoots a squirrel and takes a nap.

Here's what really bothers me: I haven't met any of them, but just by the raw numbers, there's bound to be some Bush supporter out there who's not a complete moron.

I can't believe it. You can't believe it. And the Bushie -- well, he can believe anything.

And if I'm you, I get tired of reading this. Because if I'm me -- hypothetically -- I get tired of writing it.

Wait! I've got --

Holy zing, another --

Okay, two hot ideas!

One: let's make EVERY worldwide government regulation voluntary. Emissions treaties! Nuclear treaties! Giving us bin Laden -- heck, that one's already a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure!

Two: let's go out to the ballpark, all together now. Curative-like. Someplace like Milwaukee. Let's go there, and let's imagine that hot dogs are, for a moment, the whole world.

So let's find the biggest damn German bratwurst we can lay our oil-stained hands on. Then let's suck that dog until the juices dribble down our jowells, until the sausage shrivels like a used-up birthday balloon. Just suck every morsel of happiness and life right out of it.

Then let's all say, "aaaahhhhhggghhbbbllt."

Then let's VOLUNTARILY not fart.

Squeeze those cheeks, now.

Farts cause methane emissions.

MR

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"Happiness, no longer sad --
Happiness, I am glad."
-Led Zeppelin