Column-Like Blog Entry

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FLU
I have today a very simple question. Why flu-like symptoms?

"David Wells was scratched from his start today with flu-like symptoms." Well, in Wells' case, we can understand the courtesy. Wells was so hungover that he crashed into a bellman, toppling tons of luggage, including a guitar amplifier that broke Wells' foot. Wells then threw up in the face of fellow guest Diana Ross, prompting Wells' team to describe his symptoms as "flu-like." (Ross's makeup team, however, failed to notice any difference in her appearance.)

But generally, libel suits aside, I think it's usually safe to say someone "has the flu." Or, if that sounds too radical, say he "appears to have an illness." If it looks like the flu, and quacks like the flu...

Take a headline today in my local dishrag, the San Francisco Chronicle, which proclaims, "OJ Simpson's Brother At Wheel Of Death Shuttle." "Death Shuttle," eh? Pretty sensational. So we're clear on that: it was the Shuttle of Death. Apparently, Simpson's brother, jealous of OJ's celebrity, decided to get in on the act. And, like a good family man, Melvin (really!) Simpson quickly explained to authorities that the woman lying roadside was a homeless lady who had dashed onto the freeway and in front of his Shuttle of Death.

Of course, Melvin's story changed some when it turned out the dead woman had simply been thrown from his van -- a shuttle from the San Francisco Airport, not Hades -- after he apparently nodded off at the wheel. Because... because... wait for it...

He had flu-like symptoms.

This is a late-breaking story, as flu-like Death Shuttle stories go, so there's no word yet as to which golf course Simpson will be released to, to look for the real killer.

Look there! I think someone just ducked into the sand trap off the eleventh green! He was trying on a golf glove that appeared two sizes too small! Death Shuttle! Flu-like!

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We live in a very, very interesting country.

MR

"When the President does it, that means that it is not illegal."
-Richard M. Nixon