Gorilla Batch

MUSIC +++ FILM +++ SPORT +++ PHOTO +++ LINK +++ POORLY REASONED POLITICAL OPINION AND STUPID JOKE

FOOD
I spoil you.

But, the fine Ms. Brita Rosenheim (no, not Jewish) has been accepted into Food Appreciator School For The Italian and the Future Mrs. Italian, with a concentration in Food Appreciation, and to honor her we reprint four of Martin's secret Guerilla Bachelor recipe successes.

Now remember, I was off in Buttass, France when I did this installment (oh yes, there shall be more, for I have eaten well tonight! Those cookbook writer imbeciles wouldn't know a creole sauce if it crawddidled their gonads) so if you don't recognize the ingredients or aren't interested in the dish, skip on to the next. These were meant to be entertaining as well as a possible guide, so don't send me the bill for your stomach pump, and try not to reflect on why someone might have not only time to cook for himself from scratch, but time to write it all down after.

MR

QWTOFDY
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

-Pablo Neruda

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STOLEN FROM THE MANUSCRIPT of the GUERILLA BACHELOR

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RECIPE ONE: Fried Mixed Spinach Pasta Thing With Some Egg Or Not

INGREDIENTS:

1 pkg “Original schwäbische Maultaschen” (four pieces) *(it’s this big spinach filled pasta, like a ‘roided ravioli – if you don’t happen to live on the French-German border, be creative – use spinach ravioli. I’m not your frickin’ ma.)

1 sweet yellow pepper (key ingredient!)

1/2 white / yellow onion

2 cloves garlic

Salt, pepper, cayenne spice to taste (not much cayenne required); basil/etc. optional


INSTRUCTIONS:

Boil some water. Chop the veggies while you wait. Boil the weird pasta things for about five minutes. Then you cut them into small bite size pieces, and fry them in some olive oil with the other stuff.

EXTRA RECIPE, maybe better than the first: make enough for leftovers, add two or three eggs, even a little parmesan or regular cheese; eat for breakfast.





RECIPE TWO: Baked German Noodlen Thing, Alsacian Style** (**will work also for Schpatzle; I don’t know what the original Noodlen thing was, I already threw out the package. Schpatzle is also great and is made, so I’m told, from a simple mix of flour, an egg or two, a pinch of salt, a pot of boiling water. In what amounts exactly is, sadly, a guarded secret. So mix carefully: the wrong mixture can produce a voluble explosive.)


INGREDIENTS:

1 pkg of these very thick pasta things, like large gnocchi but I think they were just pasta. They’re designed to be fried, and they stay soft on the inside.

One whole onion…

…And some garlic. As always.

Some light bbq or other spices; salt and pepper

1-2 Potatoes I imagine (you’re on your own here, I didn’t have any – ditto mushrooms)

Grated Emmental or commensurate cheese (Swiss / Cheddar mix would be good)

Sliced gouda or jack

2 eggs, optional

1-2 pieces rye bread

Bit of olive oil in the pan I’d say


INSTRUCTIONS:

You fry up the shits like you’re supposed to, with the garlic and perhaps the onions. Takes up to 10 min. Crumble the rye bread into homemade breadcrumbs. This goes great. Grate the Emmental / Swiss if not done already. Presumably you boil the potatoes? and chop.
Once the shit is fried, add some more onion and mix together everything but the eggs and sliced cheese in a deep baking pan. Flatten or top off the surface. Then lay the slices of cheese on top, and crack the eggs on top of that.
Bake all at about 175º C for 15-20 minutes and it’ll come out perfect. If you’re reading in American, well, water freezes at 0º C = 32º F, and boils at 100º C = 212º F. (Seems like their system’s a lot smarter, non?) That’s all you need to know; you took algebra.
(Okay, since my own mom can’t do that one, a big fat hint: ºF = ºC x 1.8 + 32. That’s all I’m saying. All temperatures approximate anyway.)





RECIPE: CHICKEN PARM

INGREDIENTS:

Some chickens, preferably dead. Veals work too. Ya heard?

Parmesan

Other cheese, sliced – I’m using shredded emmental with sliced gouda again

1 can tomato sauce, kind you like (with parm I suppose – mine’s arrabiata)

1 onion and maybe 3-4 garlics… duh

The 2 slices rye bread

An egg

Bit o’ flour

Bit o’ olive oil and vinegar, too; optional; ditto hot sauce (just a pinch!)

Bit o’ milk

Spices: basil, rosemary, cayenne, salt, pepper, do you notice I didn’t exactly go wild on the spice rack?


INSTRUCTIONS:

Preheat to maybe 200 Celcius.
Beat the chickens soundly to tenderize them. (Okay, actually this is just for fun. But if they bawk, or moo, you’ve got problems.) Do the two pieces of rye bread along with the garlic and onions, finely chopped, and what spices you like, for the homemade breadcrumbs. Add some flour to make it stick to the birds (don’t forget the killing, plucking, filleting – or most housecats will do this cheaper than you’d think) – perhaps 1/3 part flour to 1 part crumbled bread.
Do the eggs, milk, and optional hot sauce / oil and vin in a little scramble. Dip birds (makes about 3) into eggies and swish around a lot, then roll in breadcrumbs until both sides completely doused. Stick bottom sides up on a cheap ceramic plate because you don’t have a baking pan.
Let bake for maybe 15 minutes. Then flip, add tons of parm and tomato sauce, topped by sliced (and perhaps shredded) cheese. Then let bake some more – roughly forever, so far. **Reader should note, cut into the chicks periodically to see they’re getting cooked. Author assumes no legal responsibility for following this recipe blindly. That is to say, they’re still cooking now, and if I keel over mid-curveball Sunday from Salmonella, consider deleting this item from the record.
(Editor’s note II: no way, José. Make the whole thing just like I told you. Takes a good 30-40 minutes though. Gives you time to learn a new lick on guitar, or to write this. I’d say an even 400º F.) Remember, chicken parm’s hard to screw up, and makes good eatin’s day after. Just make sure the chickens die good, and make it as sloppy as possible.
And I suppose you should first fry the breadcrumbs to a crisp, or sit around and let them stale a couple of days, or something. Hell, the loaf was starting to mold as it was. Anyway, what do I know, I’m just the author.
PS – And did you know it takes rotten bananas for banana bread? Which I’ve usually got on hand; if only I knew the rest of the recipe. Actually I still wouldn’t make it. We’re on meals here.

Serve with Johnny Walker Red Label, neat, water back. Or a choice local red, if you actually have a god damned corkscrew on hand.




RECIPE: Delicious Salad I.

This salad does not take a genius.

INGREDIENTS / INSTRUCTIONS:

Lettuce; I use iceberg but you could do butter, spinach probably, whatever you like. Just remember to wash it – it keeps for a week out here but open it up and it’s absolutely filthy with black grit (where do they grow these things, in the ground?)
Avocado. Half should do. Sliced close.
Fry two egg whites, with some salt and pepper. You’ll thank me later.
Some sliced cucumber.
Onion. What would it be without onion.
Chopped carrot. If that’s your thing. Or shredded, if you can’t decide.
Touch o’ grated cheese. Something exotic but not too.
Olive oil and vinegar: I like it near even but I know most prefer a 3:2 in favor of the oil.

Congratulations.