MR Singlehandedly Breaks Down Sports-Related Societal Misconceptions for your Viewing Pleasure

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SPRT
Two things to cover today, from two uniquely American institutions: namely, the NFL and MLB. We're here to talk about the things worth talking about that no one's talking about.

Thing One: Barrett Robbins. You remember, his team's trying to catch a few winks before their Super Bowl game, and Robbins is incommunicado, tying one on south of the border. Brutal for public relations, of course, not to mention teammate relations.

Now, this Super team happens to be the Al Davises -- I mean, Raiders. The same Raiders, in fact, that saw notorious juicehead (more on this below) Bill Romanowski sucker-punch a teammate on the field, breaking the guy's orbital bone (eye socket) and more or less ending his career... and disciplined Romanowski by boldly implying that he shouldn't do it again. (WHY? Romo was a starter. This guy was a backup. And if that sounds cynical, suppose the scenario were reversed..?)

So, needless to say, Robbins, despite offseason admissions of bi-polar disorder and alcoholism, was eventually welcomed back into the fold, and by midseason was starting again.

That would have been a nice ending for everyone, of course. For Robbins, the Raiders, and the NFL. Oh yeah -- and for Robbins' family.

Of course, if you haven't heard, a crazed Robbins recently attacked several police officers, was shot through the heart, and is currently strapped down to a hospital bed. He remains in critical condition, and his wife thinks he lost the will to live months ago.

Now, I hate tossing around allegations, so let's just say Robbins never used steroids. Let's say, in fact, that he never used any illegal supplements, was not asked to grotesquely distort his body and mortgage his physical future for another productive year or two, was never encouraged to harbor and feed his own aggressive tendencies.

Of course, that would make Robbins the first NFL player in decades (ever) to avoid these influences. So I'll give you your pick: he did these things, as many other players continue to do -- or, if you prefer, he's immune.

Now: what kind of support do you think the NFL will give him?

A pension? Probably. Because, again, he was a pretty good player, not a scrubini. So toss him the pension; he earned it with his service time. How about health coverage? Maybe, if it comes with the contract, is guaranteed by insurance the Raiders already pay for anyway, and doesn't include the things it doesn't include.

Those naughty mental health issues, for instance, which enjoy the same locker room cachet as, say, hardcore gay porn. And how about an investigation? A probe, a study, some sort of reassurance that the NFL would hate to see this happen again to one of their own?

I'd better just stop here. Scan the news. And if you see any such gesture from the league -- please, email me.


SPRT2
...Although really this is the same subject. For starters:

Q: Why is a pretty reasonable steroid deterrent program now in place in Major League Baseball?
A: Because the players, aware of the Robbinses, the Romos, the Lyle Alzados (or have we forgotten him completely?), not to mention the Cansecos and Ken Caminitis (oops - didn't he just fatally O.D. after his little confession?), don't want to be subject to the pressures of juiced competition.

Q: Why are greenies (illegal amphetamines, probably five to ten times as popular in baseball as the 'roids) still completely sheltered from the recent purge?
A: Why do you think? Or, to answer a question with a question,
A: What's the strongest labor union in the United States over the past 30 years?
A: That's right, the Major League Baseball Players Association. Someone still likes their mother's little helpers.

AND:

There's something else at play here. How about a little free association. Ready?

Me: Steroids in baseball.

You: _______________

If you said "Barry Bonds" or "home run record," you're right there with most of America. Now, let me ask you the following questions.

- Why did MLB leak the names of Bonds, Sheffield, Giambi, et al? Remember, theirs was SECRET testimony. And, just like the coke scandal of the 70's (and lest we forget), no player is on trial here. But MLB's motives are just peripheral. After all, it only does what the players (or rather union leader Don Fehr, sometimes beyond even the players' wishes, as in this case) allow it to do. So how about this:

- In two years, Mark McGwire becomes eligible for the Hall of Fame. Though his credentials are not as good as Bonds', his record home run push of the late 90's just about assures him first-ballot election.

Or do you think there will be a massive steroid stink?

What's that? McGwire was never caught using steroids? Well, actually that's true. He wasn't caught, exactly, because he admitted it. Think about it:

Big Mac: Took a steroid precursor (a little like foods that claim "no cholesterol" because your body turns them into cholesterol after you ingest them) called androstendione that, despite prevailing laws of other sports and nations, was not a banned substance in baseball at that time. The same guy who hugged his chunky kid after mashing the record spent late-season press conferences explicitly telling other kids not to do the drugs he was currently doing. The next season, MLB quietly added andro to its banned list.

Barry: Same scenario. Essentially a steroid, technically not illegal at the time. Only differences: we're not actually sure Barry took them; and if he did, we're not acutally sure he knew what they were. Sure, these differences may sound ticky-tack to those who believe he's guilty, but remember: with McGwire, we've got the horse's mouth.

- Now, the big question. If McGwire and Barry both broke the same HR record, if they both used a suspect supplement that should have been illegal but wasn't... well, why is Barry's name synonymous with asterisks and scandal, and McGwire's with wholesomeness and power?

Again, answer the question with a question.

Q: What basic differences, particularly those that contribute to public image, can we think of between Barry and Mac?

A: Only two.

One: Barry's kind of an asshole. Particularly earlier in his career, he earned a reputation for being standoffish -- although his current teammates almost universally like and respect him, and he's never faced any sort of legal trouble at all.

Two: Barry's black.

I'm going to let this one stand on its own, too. And it goes without saying: "I'm not the race-card type." But again: you do the math. And ask yourself, when McGwire glides on Crisco into the hallowed Hall, exactly what it is he's thankful for.

MR

QWTOFDY
"The second one was to let you know I meant the first one."
-Don Newcomb on throwing at batters