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100 Things you should do / see instead of watching Sideways

Well, the Oscars are coming up, and it’s time to say what only the true visionaries have been thinking: Sideways blew. Yes, it gave us a wonderful naked running man – wonder what that casting session was like – but I found myself as if eight joes deep early Monday. But my jitters didn’t come pounding cappuccinos. It's just that I was so bored I was ready to cut myself.

It’s all very nice to have the talented Paul Giamatti – who I guess doesn’t play up that his father was the late A. Bartlett, President of Yale and Poet-Commissioner of baseball – running around complaining about things. It’s a natural, almost like Tuturo in a new Coen Brothers movie. But it’s all downhill from there.

First of all, can you stop it with the Pinot Noir? It’s like those ubiquitous Cheryl Crow songs – a solid premise, then five minutes of pounding it smoothly down your yap. We get it. And I don’t know about Lowell being a best supporting, for that matter. The Dude meets Keanu is all well and good, like surviving that one Wilson brother in Old School – I know I’m not making any friends here – but it hardly beats out, uh, whomever else has been nominated.

See, that’s the other thing about the Oscars. While I’m at it. It’s so full of pomp, I don’t know how to put it… Ultimately, you have to watch because of those Adrian Brody moments.

Then they give you Joan Rivers.

100 Things you should do / see instead of watching Sideways

1- Comb a pony
2- Punch a donkey
3- Call your mother
4- Execute a retarded person (Texas only)
5- Stomp your own grapes instead
6- Mars Attacks
7- Check out http://twinkiesproject.com
8- If the donkey runs at you, you should avoid her dangerous hooves
9- Clip toenails (ladies: pluck eyebrows)
10- Watch Matrix 2 – wait, no, Sideways does have its redeeming moments


Check back later. I prommmise to give you the next 90.

MR

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"History is history; the future is perfect."
-Orel Hershiser